morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
TIL that Networking as a concept didn't exist until the Seventies. By the Nineties it was popularized, and in use in a business setting. Later it was adapted to as the Internet created 'Social' Networking.

However, if you look at the term itself... Social Networking would in terms, be descriptive of society itself. Social Networking existed BEFORE Facebook. Before MySpace. Before the advent of the Internet at all.
The entire purpose of a Network (or Networking) is to lend to an end-goal mutually. This means that if Social Networking is in existence, it has been occurring since before the term was made. Social Networking is not an 'Internet Activity'.

To me...I wonder why. The term has always bothered me and after thinking about it way too hard I realized it's probably because of the need for professionalism and business decorum on what was intended to be a 'Social' site.

So what does it all mean? There's a reason so much can happen when you open that door 'Social'. Anything in the society can and will be discussed through that avenue. There is no specificity and will inevitably be more generality.

However, Humans want a "Conclusion" out of any and all interactions. An ending that allows them to perceive at least for that day that they have learned something new, however slight.

There are many who are no longer seeking answers, because they don't believe any longer that they exist. They do. We'll find them all. I won't rest 'til we do.
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
So I am just, not sleeping. While I wait for work to start. So here goes pretty much a long ass night.

Rambles for days. Dude you gotta' believe. I know what's going down. It's a dream. The Greatest Dream...

I wrote a little blurb today towards my book I'm going to write. More to come (I hope) soon. I have a lot going inside and it might just be the fuel I need to finally get going on it.

It's only supposed to be like this in the movies. A person can't choose light or dark (flat out refuses to) and then chooses both? It feels like a fiction. I'm just me. The only reality I care about is the one I'm living. Still, that implies I care about everyone and everything that I involve in my life. :)

This world is weird. People get too hyper-focused on the little stuff. Things like Religion, or even Spirituality, are too defined to be of any use when you look past them. Reality is more than just one thing on it's own.

That's why I can't stop studying the interactions. All the things you think make up the whole world are just pieces of the puzzle. I'll keep putting pieces together.
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
Stay with me through this. It's over my head, so maybe it's over yours. Take a break while reading if you need to. There's a lot in the world. So many things. There's life in the world. Death in the world. Chaos and Order in the world. Neither is necessarily bad. It's the conditions we are left with however... That give us pause.

I better stop and explain why death isn't bad first. Then why chaos isn't either. The conclusion? We'll get there...

Death... Well. Yes it hurts. You lost someone that's really important to you and there's no more future now. The story you had in your head for the things you could do but can't is over. I learned about death once. My Grandma had died, and she was the only person I felt supported by at the time. I was 11 or so years old. So that was a pretty hard loss. I was in mourning for well over a year. During that time I was also told how I was almost aborted (see previous entry for details).

So this gave me a very unique perspective. Or maybe a couple perspectives. I believed in the afterlife because of my faith at the time. So I knew, she was still alive even if not on earth anymore. For me she was gone, and with it, every feeling of love and support that I knew. I was devastated. There came a day for me though, that I had cried enough. Then I locked the door on grief. I started shutting it out to a point. It made it hard for me to talk to others about death. To even recognize it in a way.

I don't know how to tell other people even the small comforts you're meant to say like: "I'm sorry for your loss."

How can I be truly sorry, (I thought) when I never knew the person, or how they related with others? Still, I am learning new views now. I don't know those people, but I know that they were PEOPLE. They lived! So with that in mind, maybe I can approach such conversations now after all.

Next up? Chaos. My own little theory.

At work last night I realized something because of the way things go at my job. Things are cyclical. You go through everything you go through in life. For the sake of things though, let's just talk about how I got to thinking about chaos.

Once again at my job, we are finally fully staffed. I stock groceries. So we finally had a successful shift a couple of nights ago... and now that we are fully staffed and the new guys are barely trained? They mix it up again. Trying to get things back to 'normal operations' at least as far as what the company believes is 'normal'. However, that's not the way things have been working for us at this store. You know how it goes. Like a cycle. Things are good, then they are bad. But in between those two it's progressive. At a certain point, the down-swing towards bad at least for me, always puts me into an anger/depressive oscillating circuit. For those who don't know, depression can get so bad you almost stop functioning, which makes doing a job really difficult especially when people think that you aren't capable (You actually are, it's just that the depression gets in the way.)

For those people who are work-a-holics or at the least, put a lot of pride into what they do? The cycle is terrifying. Just to have a day to day job becomes a self enclosed loop that almost destroys you and then brings you back from that edge to life. But it's too short a life. The loop starts down-grading to the bad side all too soon.

Then I start swinging up from that depression, as the situation at work resolves and becomes better again. Then I! am better.

This is a winding road, this post is. Stay with me for a while longer?

Chaos right? This post is a little chaotic... lol. Kind of like me. I've realized last night that I'm on the side of chaos. I don't think in a normal way. I'm abstract. Always coming at things from the opposite angle to the 'norm'. And I don't say that as a hipster trendy goth-punk-post--hardcore-cool-guy-jock whatever is the latest fad viewpoint to sound cool, I mean I really am "anything but normal" from every aspect of the fibre of me.

Even genetically I count as different, I realized last night, as an offhand comment about pulling up my pants made me mention how I have an extra tailbone at the end of my spine. Thus, no pants are designed to sit on my waist right, and I have perpetual plumber's butt. I became enraged, the way the shift was going, and then that comment as well, and it made me realize: "I am different even genetically." And my thoughts just stuck on that for a while. Everything. My spiritual beliefs, my mentality, my emotions, even my body (for hell's sake) is different.

So Chaos. Right? That's what I'm trying to describe here. One of my thoughts as I complained during my anger phase to another co-worker, was how everything being cyclical implies innately... chaos and order. For a brief while, the job was alright enough that a single day went right. [ORDER] Followed by them deciding to make things normal again. Their view of what function is. The system. They try to force ORDER into existence... and that order was already in place. It just wasn't the order that they could comprehend. Because it was not the 'described system'. It's not something you could put on paper, because that isn't how life works. You can't write a rule book that fits everyone in the world, and anyone in the world could become an employee.

That's why so many people in this world are frustrated, and so am I. Just more-so because I see it now for what it is. Leadership can be mis-guiding. Hushed secrets and whispers of words, that get more audibly said with the end effect being "This is the decision, please accept it, or we will find a way of getting you to."

So depending on how you view things.. There are two Orders. Maybe more. Maybe there are infinite 'orders'. This is what gives rise to chaos. Different orders, conflicting. And this will always be true in the world, or it always has been so. If I have my way I'll become strong enough to find a way out of the loop and propel the universe itself into a higher state. The everything. The SOURCE... of EVERYTHING...To which I have pledged my being to. I hope that I fulfill my mission.

With that being the case. How many different systems of order there may be? Chaos is the stuff that breathes through all of it. It lives inside all of the systems, connecting them, even though they aren't at all connected. They don't match, they don't sync up. And yet they are connected!

I have always thought in my mind... there is and always will be a line between two thoughts. I learned: there can also be a line between entire SYSTEMS of thought. Webs are weaving and woven.

This thought that different and opposing ideals could interact has shaped everything about who I am. It has driven everything I have ever done, and every conversation that I have. I watch the opposite, and I become it. I absorb everything that I shouldn't because it's wrong for me... and I learn from it.

I chose to fall into the darkness because it was wrong for me but because I might LEARN from it. I thought I could save her. I thought I could save someone. I thought just maybe, I might learn how to save everyone.

I'm still falling deeper into darkness... but I'm dragging the light with me. The light that was inside never left, but it had to fight harder to stay as bright. And as I sink deeper, I grow brighter. Glow. I want to find the event horizon. At the quantum foam. To see the secret that is the cure. The one long forgotten. Forgotten even by the eons.

So I decided. Chaos isn't bad. Because I see chaos, and I can see that it does not destroy anything... but in a way you can't quite put your finger on, in a way I still can't... it ties everything together. It can be un-pleasant to wade through the chaos stream. Still, on the other shore, there's another system. I have learned to flow between the systems. I think I could be a little more adept at it. Okay a lot more! But I have learned to flow.

Okay. There isn't a conclusion. It's too big for a conclusion. There are conclusions everywhere inside it. And probably around it. Because my own thought system is still a system of order. Even should I embrace chaos, I am still an order. Isn't it ironic? ^_^
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
I felt like exploding. I let myself cry a little and it helped, although I don't know what else I can do. I meditate, I do fun things, and I'm trying not to drink or smoke to fix it. It doesn't, but neither is not doing it. At 31 I'm still being treated as if I'm 16 - 19. I don't get enough interaction even if I beg for it all day long that is beneficial enough to counteract it for too long.

I do things I'm proud to have done, but even 10 seconds of celebration isn't enough. I say even, because it's rare I'm allotted even that much before the forsaken strip me of my bravery. Like a rock I stand between the tide, but slowly I'm eroding. As the twin rivers of Rage and Bitter Angst flow constantly aside my misshapen pieces. I have cracked and joined them with the loose sediment I could gather, but this too is washed away.

I will become sand and sink beneath the waves... I wish I could be taken out of the river for a while. Just for a while. Or maybe for more than a while. Preferably that, but. I really would settle for just that bit.

But maybe I will become the sand and sink. Maybe that's what should happen. I can't see an up-side though.
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
This is some kind of adventure. The entire last week has been so eventful. Tired, but energized.

Everything has changed, and nothing's different. You've seen people write those words before. Sometimes in the past I've thought them. I don't really feel like that. How can nothing be different when everything has changed? True, the nothing being different is kind of true from a 'life goes on' standpoint... But, Life goes on, regardless if things have changed or stayed the same. The change is personal. It isn't somehow less true because it doesn't impact the day to day hum-drum.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Yet if I did, then the changes wouldn't have manifested. I guess this is what it's like when you learn to stand on your own feet. It was a long while coming. I kept saying I wanted it to arrive, but it wasn't true. I didn't want to have to be the one to stand. I'm still not sure how to. Like a baby, I'm toddling along as if walking is nothing new, but I just learned how to do it. ...It still took too long.

In a way I'm not even sure any of it's real. That's kind of the price. A look beyond this world makes it so. What's real? What isn't real? Even the lack of reality somehow lends credence to the fabric of everything.

Right now I'm reading a book recommended by a friend. It explains things that didn't make sense before, but they are all things that I'm not sure I can bring up now. Not after that.

It warps my perspective. It makes me have to look at things in the opposite manner than he would have tried to show me. I have to see it from the other direction. Two ships passing in the night.

[And just when it all became clear,
This sky-lid went away.

Liquid drenching came from whence?
A cloud I wanted to fly through.

What if I could become the rain?
And fall through the sky in reverse.

I AM THE MIST. Rise! The light's warmth!
As the Ice becomes the Water's Vapor.]
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
I'm not sure what just happened...

For the first time, I'm glad I don't know. I'm usually more obsessed with the details. Why was I so obsessed with the details? Because of my Aunt. That one. Un-related to That Uncle from post #1.. . :P

My third eye was going crazy all night. I thought it was just a head-ache.

I really don't know what to write right now.. Everything's changing. This blog started just at the time of all of the biggest changes ever, and I've been writing things I would never dare write on Facebook anymore.

Tried to write as clearly as possible, in a way that's beneficial to myself. The real goal of my writing has always been to show: Who I am, What I'm facing, Where I want to go.

That's always been it! Those three things, have always been the whole point of it all. Sometimes it's felt like a lie later on, because I didn't follow through on what I thought I was going to do.

I'm really too tired to write anything that really comes to a conclusion... but so much happening all at once needed at least a mention here... I wonder where I'm going next..? I want to go lots of places.. I hope I do.
◾ Tags:
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
GOING BACKWARDS IN MY MIND SO I CAN FIND THE DREAMS I FELT IN YESTERDAY. I WON'T LET IT DIE NO, IT'S TIME TO LIVE IN TIME. THE FUTURE IS INEVITABLY A DREAM I DREAM RIGHT NOW!!!!

AWAKENING MY OWN HEART I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE NIGHTMARE'S END, AND DREAMS ARE ALL THAT'S LEFT. A HEART I WILL FIND TOMORROW HAS NEVER GIVEN UP, NO!

^^^^^^^^

I wrote a thing. Sure it sounds like almost every anime intro ever. Still. I felt the thing and I wrote the thing.

LIVE FOREVER!

\___ ___/
^____^

The shape of the butterfly is perfect for traveling the corridor of Infinity!!!
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
Why. Why do I still want to live side by side with my enemies? Those who destroyed me the most. Are those I crave the most to remain at my side? If I could just find it in me to survive such tests...

I know that's the key. I know it's the way for me. I don't know if I can do it though.

Maybe it's not for this life? I just. Don't know. There's more to be resolved. Is it ok to let things 'slide' until the next lifetime? (Reincarnation)

Maybe it is... Maybe because they aren't ready to enter the next phase? I am. I am, but yet, I'm not. Conditions haven't changed enough. Even for me, even though I was the one that put in all the work to defeat the past while they blamed me.

...
...
...
.
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
For backstory to lead in: My job has been ridiculous lately. Almost everyone has quit that was worth a damn, or they were fired for some reason or another. There's only a few of us left. I was giving up. I was giving in. I was satisfied to be a slacker from here on out. Just go in and do my time and go home. I work over night.

The night before last, so, Saturday night going into Sunday? One of my shift leaders pulled me aside to discuss my performance. Can't lie, I deserved it. I was giving up on the job. Still, it was so so difficult to hear. The sheer hopelessness at the job has been weighing on me for a while now. It seemed no amount of effort would save us.

So then, last night, Monday going into Tuesday... I went Berserker. So much so that it felt like I was channeling a past life where I truly was a Berserker. One of the Norsemen. I always felt like I might have been but after how much I tapped 'Berserker' skills last night? It became unequivocally true. I was frothing at the mouth, wild, and crazy. But so crystal clear. All of the rage and fury and anxiety was channeled DIRECTLY into what I was doing. I had to keep putting a bumper on some of the wild thoughts to make it stay stable at first, but then it locked down. I was a warrior. The only difference is instead of fighting a battle against men, it was a battle of self against self. The will to do what 'must-be-done'.

The thing about such a resolution is you can't open it back up again after you decide. Sometimes, a decision has to stand. It has to remain. It will not falter. It can't. It won't.
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
Words are strange. When you write, they have so much meaning. Later on, you re-read your own words and they seem hollow somehow. Devoid of what it was that made you write them.

It's okay. It's perfectly ok. Because the important thing isn't the words at all, but what I experience when I write them. What you experience when you read them, Dear Reader.

Maybe... That's how I'll eventually get over the responses I get from people Internet-wide. People have often called me 'Captain Obvious' for what I wrote.

Does it matter if it's obvious to you? Maybe it isn't to someone else...someone who would benefit. Does it matter if it's obvious to you, to me? That's the real question...

I believe that nothing is too obvious, and that such is consistently ignored until it's forgotten. What does it serve to tell someone they are being too obvious? It doesn't grant you anything, or make you learn anything. In essence, all it is is pointlessly mocking someone else's word and there-by the experience that they were attempting to have and create for others to witness.

By telling people they are being too obvious, the effect is you are telling them to shut up and stop talking. To get out of the internet because they don't belong here anyways. If not the Internet? ...Where?

While out in the real world, people go through the same exact things. The same exact pains. Your insults aren't new, they aren't intelligent, and all you get off of them is a temporary ego boost until you need to tell someone else that they're an idiot too. Until the only person left in the room is you. Until the idiots you've ostracized are stuck in a room alone too.

I don't want to disconnect.

"I don't want to go offline, but what else should I do? With a broken heart, I pray to God, I can orbit close to you."

I wanted to be cool and go out with a song line. But that just leads me into the real heart of the post. The fact that lately I've just felt so un-able to connect. I've been apart from everyone. Keeping every single word locked deep and tight in my heart. I know I'm not the only one. I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

I don't want us (HUMANS) to keep having to do this. I don't think this is what the Internet is for AT ALL. It's not for the Darkest Logics to keep ruling over the Lighter Hearts. It's not for anyone to say that someone else's words are futile. It's not for anyone to assume that they understand the meaning of it all and deem it useless.

I know we're living in hard times in this world. I know what's coming. I know all of that. Despite that, even if my insides are the darkest black... I will keep shining on the outside. I am of the Balance. I want to see Synchronicity of the twain split asunder. There's a way through and there's a way out. I won't stop believing that no matter how far we go down.

I want to stand with someone. I want to stand with you. I DON'T WANT TO DISCONNECT....! So please... I'm begging you.. Don't tell me that it's futile. Don't tell me to be quiet. Don't tell me that it's too obvious when almost everyone I see has completely forgotten... How to open the heart?

They aren't just words. They're moments in time. You were young once. You'll be old once. It's not too obvious to be worth saying. It's not! It's still worth it to talk! It's still worth it to be alive! It's still worth it to be YOU AND I. It's still worth it for us to be TOGETHER!

Even if my body aches with the weight of all my soul bears. Even if I feel tired just like all those who rail on about how empty and meaningless it is now. I won't be one to say it's over. It isn't over until the curtains close. It isn't over until this Universe has done all that it can!
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
Casted: Haste. Stacked it to max. [2x tempo]
Time slowed down, I feel lax. [2x tempo]

Heart's on fire, despite an ice core. [0.5x]
Every hour, steaming so much more. [1x]

Streams of life, all ether in vein. [1x]
Still, a body does feel the strain. [1x]

***

^ The brackets are for in case I made it a song. First two lines faster, third, slowed, following that normal pace.
morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
The last time I blogged anything worthwhile, it was on MySpace. It's been a while. Too long of a while.

Why's it always the first post on a blog that's the hardest?

The one place I can begin is to describe the crux of the matter that brings me here: To begin a new chapter.

Well, I was trying to do a standard new blog entry post and it was going no-where. So I opted for sleep. I got about 3 hours. Now I definitely had something to write about.

In 3 hours, I managed to have a dream within a dream. The weird part is, the fact that before I went to sleep I saw my phone glitch-ing like the matrix, and that's what made me think 'I need to be asleep.'

The first layer of the dream was almost meaningless. Just content from the game I'm playing showing up in dream-form. (Don't Starve, on Steam). The real thing though that got me waking up, gasping for air, was my Uncle trying to kill me. I know which one. Yeah. That one. He tried to run me through with a broken up board pallet, the nails pointed toward me with the jagged wood. I blocked him with another pallet I grabbed hastily just in the nick-of-time. His face was on the closer side of a foot from mine as he leaned in, and I could see his blood-shut fury eyes. With as much menace as he could muster he sneered, and threatened. I woke up bleary-eyed and gasping for breath. Feeling as if I had truly been fighting for my life.

I went to the rest-room so as to be out of bed, and I had to pee. As I thought it over I began to think, "Why didn't we all stop him at the wedding? We had the numbers, and it was our only chance."

I think it ties something together now as 'beginning and end'. What my uncle said, what my dad did later. How I forgave him. them both. I'm at the stage where everything combines. Recently, the early years started becoming fluid experience. Second, Third, and Fourth Grade.

When I look back now...The idea I had to become an Author surfaced at the Second Grade mark. What that means? It means a lot.

All of it, everything since then, has all been burying my true desires. My life purpose was lost and confused by all the darkness. It was Fourth Grade when I lost Grandma. It was Fifth Grade when I got told I was almost aborted by that dear preacher-man. It was Sixth grade I had just about given up on everything. Seventh and the depression was full-blown. Eighth went by just the same. Ninth was the real manifestation of Anger. Tenth was the beginning of High School of course, and by this time I was resigned to my social position at the bottom of the pole. I just wanted to make it through. Eleventh and the first almost divorce. Twelfth: the actual divorce happened by this time, and at the same time-frame, a solid beating from Dad.

It's all been connected. The nightmare was to spark the absolution of all the damages preventing my life purposes from being actuated. I AM WHO I AM. Nightmares can help you to remember DREAMS.

I will do the things! Become an author, become an inventor, become ANYTHING. It doesn't have to be just one or the other. That's what confused me in the first place, people saying I had to pick just ONE. NO. You can be many things in life!

"Embrace the Nexus. [...] Our life will not be denied!"