morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)
The last time I blogged anything worthwhile, it was on MySpace. It's been a while. Too long of a while.

Why's it always the first post on a blog that's the hardest?

The one place I can begin is to describe the crux of the matter that brings me here: To begin a new chapter.

Well, I was trying to do a standard new blog entry post and it was going no-where. So I opted for sleep. I got about 3 hours. Now I definitely had something to write about.

In 3 hours, I managed to have a dream within a dream. The weird part is, the fact that before I went to sleep I saw my phone glitch-ing like the matrix, and that's what made me think 'I need to be asleep.'

The first layer of the dream was almost meaningless. Just content from the game I'm playing showing up in dream-form. (Don't Starve, on Steam). The real thing though that got me waking up, gasping for air, was my Uncle trying to kill me. I know which one. Yeah. That one. He tried to run me through with a broken up board pallet, the nails pointed toward me with the jagged wood. I blocked him with another pallet I grabbed hastily just in the nick-of-time. His face was on the closer side of a foot from mine as he leaned in, and I could see his blood-shut fury eyes. With as much menace as he could muster he sneered, and threatened. I woke up bleary-eyed and gasping for breath. Feeling as if I had truly been fighting for my life.

I went to the rest-room so as to be out of bed, and I had to pee. As I thought it over I began to think, "Why didn't we all stop him at the wedding? We had the numbers, and it was our only chance."

I think it ties something together now as 'beginning and end'. What my uncle said, what my dad did later. How I forgave him. them both. I'm at the stage where everything combines. Recently, the early years started becoming fluid experience. Second, Third, and Fourth Grade.

When I look back now...The idea I had to become an Author surfaced at the Second Grade mark. What that means? It means a lot.

All of it, everything since then, has all been burying my true desires. My life purpose was lost and confused by all the darkness. It was Fourth Grade when I lost Grandma. It was Fifth Grade when I got told I was almost aborted by that dear preacher-man. It was Sixth grade I had just about given up on everything. Seventh and the depression was full-blown. Eighth went by just the same. Ninth was the real manifestation of Anger. Tenth was the beginning of High School of course, and by this time I was resigned to my social position at the bottom of the pole. I just wanted to make it through. Eleventh and the first almost divorce. Twelfth: the actual divorce happened by this time, and at the same time-frame, a solid beating from Dad.

It's all been connected. The nightmare was to spark the absolution of all the damages preventing my life purposes from being actuated. I AM WHO I AM. Nightmares can help you to remember DREAMS.

I will do the things! Become an author, become an inventor, become ANYTHING. It doesn't have to be just one or the other. That's what confused me in the first place, people saying I had to pick just ONE. NO. You can be many things in life!

"Embrace the Nexus. [...] Our life will not be denied!"
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morphic_web: Zelgadis from an anime "Slayers" (Default)

October 2016

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