Stay with me through this. It's over my head, so maybe it's over yours. Take a break while reading if you need to. There's a lot in the world. So many things. There's life in the world. Death in the world. Chaos and Order in the world. Neither is necessarily bad. It's the conditions we are left with however... That give us pause.
I better stop and explain why death isn't bad first. Then why chaos isn't either. The conclusion? We'll get there...
Death... Well. Yes it hurts. You lost someone that's really important to you and there's no more future now. The story you had in your head for the things you could do but can't is over. I learned about death once. My Grandma had died, and she was the only person I felt supported by at the time. I was 11 or so years old. So that was a pretty hard loss. I was in mourning for well over a year. During that time I was also told how I was almost aborted (see previous entry for details).
So this gave me a very unique perspective. Or maybe a couple perspectives. I believed in the afterlife because of my faith at the time. So I knew, she was still alive even if not on earth anymore. For me she was gone, and with it, every feeling of love and support that I knew. I was devastated. There came a day for me though, that I had cried enough. Then I locked the door on grief. I started shutting it out to a point. It made it hard for me to talk to others about death. To even recognize it in a way.
I don't know how to tell other people even the small comforts you're meant to say like: "I'm sorry for your loss."
How can I be truly sorry, (I thought) when I never knew the person, or how they related with others? Still, I am learning new views now. I don't know those people, but I know that they were PEOPLE. They lived! So with that in mind, maybe I can approach such conversations now after all.
Next up? Chaos. My own little theory.
At work last night I realized something because of the way things go at my job. Things are cyclical. You go through everything you go through in life. For the sake of things though, let's just talk about how I got to thinking about chaos.
Once again at my job, we are finally fully staffed. I stock groceries. So we finally had a successful shift a couple of nights ago... and now that we are fully staffed and the new guys are barely trained? They mix it up again. Trying to get things back to 'normal operations' at least as far as what the company believes is 'normal'. However, that's not the way things have been working for us at this store. You know how it goes. Like a cycle. Things are good, then they are bad. But in between those two it's progressive. At a certain point, the down-swing towards bad at least for me, always puts me into an anger/depressive oscillating circuit. For those who don't know, depression can get so bad you almost stop functioning, which makes doing a job really difficult especially when people think that you aren't capable (You actually are, it's just that the depression gets in the way.)
For those people who are work-a-holics or at the least, put a lot of pride into what they do? The cycle is terrifying. Just to have a day to day job becomes a self enclosed loop that almost destroys you and then brings you back from that edge to life. But it's too short a life. The loop starts down-grading to the bad side all too soon.
Then I start swinging up from that depression, as the situation at work resolves and becomes better again. Then I! am better.
This is a winding road, this post is. Stay with me for a while longer?
Chaos right? This post is a little chaotic... lol. Kind of like me. I've realized last night that I'm on the side of chaos. I don't think in a normal way. I'm abstract. Always coming at things from the opposite angle to the 'norm'. And I don't say that as a hipster trendy goth-punk-post--hardcore-cool-guy-jock whatever is the latest fad viewpoint to sound cool, I mean I really am "anything but normal" from every aspect of the fibre of me.
Even genetically I count as different, I realized last night, as an offhand comment about pulling up my pants made me mention how I have an extra tailbone at the end of my spine. Thus, no pants are designed to sit on my waist right, and I have perpetual plumber's butt. I became enraged, the way the shift was going, and then that comment as well, and it made me realize: "I am different even genetically." And my thoughts just stuck on that for a while. Everything. My spiritual beliefs, my mentality, my emotions, even my body (for hell's sake) is different.
So Chaos. Right? That's what I'm trying to describe here. One of my thoughts as I complained during my anger phase to another co-worker, was how everything being cyclical implies innately... chaos and order. For a brief while, the job was alright enough that a single day went right. [ORDER] Followed by them deciding to make things normal again. Their view of what function is. The system. They try to force ORDER into existence... and that order was already in place. It just wasn't the order that they could comprehend. Because it was not the 'described system'. It's not something you could put on paper, because that isn't how life works. You can't write a rule book that fits everyone in the world, and anyone in the world could become an employee.
That's why so many people in this world are frustrated, and so am I. Just more-so because I see it now for what it is. Leadership can be mis-guiding. Hushed secrets and whispers of words, that get more audibly said with the end effect being "This is the decision, please accept it, or we will find a way of getting you to."
So depending on how you view things.. There are two Orders. Maybe more. Maybe there are infinite 'orders'. This is what gives rise to chaos. Different orders, conflicting. And this will always be true in the world, or it always has been so. If I have my way I'll become strong enough to find a way out of the loop and propel the universe itself into a higher state. The everything. The SOURCE... of EVERYTHING...To which I have pledged my being to. I hope that I fulfill my mission.
With that being the case. How many different systems of order there may be? Chaos is the stuff that breathes through all of it. It lives inside all of the systems, connecting them, even though they aren't at all connected. They don't match, they don't sync up. And yet they are connected!
I have always thought in my mind... there is and always will be a line between two thoughts. I learned: there can also be a line between entire SYSTEMS of thought. Webs are weaving and woven.
This thought that different and opposing ideals could interact has shaped everything about who I am. It has driven everything I have ever done, and every conversation that I have. I watch the opposite, and I become it. I absorb everything that I shouldn't because it's wrong for me... and I learn from it.
I chose to fall into the darkness because it was wrong for me but because I might LEARN from it. I thought I could save her. I thought I could save someone. I thought just maybe, I might learn how to save everyone.
I'm still falling deeper into darkness... but I'm dragging the light with me. The light that was inside never left, but it had to fight harder to stay as bright. And as I sink deeper, I grow brighter. Glow. I want to find the event horizon. At the quantum foam. To see the secret that is the cure. The one long forgotten. Forgotten even by the eons.
So I decided. Chaos isn't bad. Because I see chaos, and I can see that it does not destroy anything... but in a way you can't quite put your finger on, in a way I still can't... it ties everything together. It can be un-pleasant to wade through the chaos stream. Still, on the other shore, there's another system. I have learned to flow between the systems. I think I could be a little more adept at it. Okay a lot more! But I have learned to flow.
Okay. There isn't a conclusion. It's too big for a conclusion. There are conclusions everywhere inside it. And probably around it. Because my own thought system is still a system of order. Even should I embrace chaos, I am still an order. Isn't it ironic? ^_^